Well, well, well, it seems that unstoppable force has met immovable object: the stratospheric ascent of vape shops as the number one category of retail in Pittsburgh (and everywhere) meets an implacable foe immune to reason: zoning laws. Pittsburgh City Council will soon consider the power to restrict vape shops using a new “Restricted Personal Goods Retail” zoning category.
I look at this as a scenario similar to when the Browns play the Ravens; I hope they both lose, somehow.
Look, if you want to inhale unregulated industrial chemicals, go ahead. My objection is primarily on aesthetic grounds. When there are vape shops next door to vape shops across the street from vape shops, it’s worth asking the question, “Can we get something (anything) else?” It’s like living in a small town where Walmart and McDonalds have driven every last vestige of local business, leaving a dull, craptastic monoculture of blinking, buzzing signs and unpleasant smells.
Vaping shouldn’t be illegal; ask weed, gambling, or even alcohol how well prohibition worked out. But if city zoning law aims its immense power for obstruction and impeding progress at the profusion of vape shops instead of, say, anyone trying to build housing (its usual target) then that’s probably a net win for the city.
For sale: 3601 California Ave., Brighton Heights, $295,000.
Occasionally, when perusing the real estate listings, you fall down a rabbit hole and end up looking at castles in England or France, which sometimes go for shockingly little money. Of course, the downside is that the electrical wiring is slightly medieval, there’s a rough 1,000 years of water damage (not to mention boiling oil), and probably a few vengeful spirits sore about being left to rot in the family oubliette for annoying the lord of the manor back in 1483. So, we’ll take a castle in Brighton Heights as a consolation prize! 4,530 square feet is a lot of square feet — enough that you could probably give the ghosts a whole floor to themselves and never be troubled by their presence.
For rent: Residences at South High, 930 E. Carson St., South Side, $1350/month.
Everyone knows somebody who peaked in high school and refuses to move on. In Pittsburgh, you don’t have to; chances are, your school has been turned into apartments or condos, and you can go clap erasers out back for eternity if you so desire. Or better yet, you can live in one of these beautiful ex-school buildings where you did not spend time in detention,. At any rate, if a school can’t be a school anymore (Pittsburgh doesn’t have the kids it did 80 years ago), the next best thing is probably housing. We do need that, after all, and the other option is usually demolition.
For rent: Place Seville Apartments, Castle Shannon, $950/month.
You know when a restaurant in a strip mall off the highway will put out a bunch of tables and umbrellas as if to say, “Look, doesn’t it feel like you’re in a Parisian café!” as you choke down your coffee with a side of tailpipe emissions. I get a similar vibe when apartments pick a wildly inappropriate theme — like the sun-baked languor of Seville, Spain — and plop it down in Castle Shannon. I mean, anywhere in the UK, Ireland, Northern or Eastern Europe would work, but Spain isn’t fooling anybody. Still, as is so often the case, I’m not going to let a few orange roof tiles detract from a truly magnificent sub-$1,000 rental price.
For sale: 1922 Harcum Way, South Side, $199,000.
Taking my advice about buying a home is like taking medical advice from Aaron Rodgers — sure, you can, but there are quite a few people with actual expertise that you should probably consider first. (If I want advice about when to throw into triple coverage, I know who to call). And yet, I have picked up a few bits of knowledge about Pittsburgh houses that may be slightly better than nothing, such as, a house built in 1900 that still looks this good has likely seen some shit: recessions, depressions, industrial pollution, and infinite bad weather. Kitchen styles may come and go (and this one is likely half-gone already), but some things, like this house, are just built to last.
For rent: 2306 Milligan Ave., Swissvale, $,1,095/month.
It’s funny that there were once enough Swiss immigrants in Western Pennsylvania to beget multiple neighborhoods with “Swiss” in the name, like this one. I’m sure there was plenty of anti-immigrant hysteria back then, too, and people were straining to come up with reasons to hate the Swiss: “What are they trying to hide under all that chocolate, anyway?” “Quit coming here and taking our cheese-making jobs!” Anyway, Swissvale is still a fine place to live, and this house is, too, if you can look past the rusty chain-link fence and cracked pavement out front.
For sale: 500 Shelbourne Ave., Wilkinsburg, $120,000.
For the first year or so of this column, it seemed like fighting a rearguard action against prices that always go up, never down. Sure, Pittsburgh is affordable … for now. And yet, we seem to be hitting an inflection point where prices are staying the same or even dropping. Historically, this is usually a bad omen, a leading indication of recession or worse. However, those do come and go and, hey, we don’t really do pensions in this country, so buying a house is still probably going to add up to a decent investment if you’re in it for the long haul.
